Chasing Pavements: Lena

[Jude]

Tell me Why

A lot had changed...

They walked in silence, side by side. His eyes kept looking over at her, she'd changed a lot in three months. And he wasn't just talking about her body either. He dug in his pocket, pulling out the pack of cigarettes and lighting one up. Taking a few hits off of it, his eyes looked back at her once again. "You want some of this?" He asked softly.

Course, smoking was bad for babies, but a lot of people chose to smoke while pregnant. Including his mother, and look at him, he was perfectly fine. Going to be a dad in six months, but he was fine... Fine...

He really felt like he was chasing pavements. Either he was right, or he was wrong, good or bad. It seemed like no matter how he tried to open up, he just couldn't. He let out a soft sigh, running a hand down his face before taking another puff off the cig.

A lot has changed... That, he was sure of.

[Lena]

Chasing?


Lena walked in silence her hands itching for comfort somewhere. To be held, touched with the passion he had not so long ago....but ever since this....He hadn't touched her the same way. Was it too much to ask for him to hold her hand? To make it look like he wanted to be walking next to her? Instead she continued in silence gaze glued to the pavement as they walked side by side.

Why was it such a shaky topic? It was her body? Her baby? And she could decide what she wanted for it on her own. Why even bother telling him? He wasn't going to father this baby. As if God some how read her mind he offered her a puff. Looking at him sideways she rolled her eyes. "No Jude I'm pretty sure the magazine the doctor gave me said not to smoke..." She sighed. "As much as I'd like to right now..." She let loose before going back to her silence.

Finally breaking the silence she cleared her throat. Mine as well start some conversation. "So I was looking through some files for families looking for a baby..." Lena really didn't want to talk about this, she was sure he wouldn't care...but he was the father. "Some of them are crazy looking, but some of them actually look suitable. I might need help choosing one.." She paused looking up into his eyes. "That is if you want to help."

Jude was gorgeous. He was a drop-dead-womanizing-player with a reputation to back it up. He was not a father nor did he even remotely resemble one. They made a mistake, and now Lena would pay for it. Everything deep down itched for him though. She loved him. As much as she hated to admit it. She loved Jude Carter and there was nothing to do about it.

You can't choose who you fall in love with....only who you choose to love.

[Jude]

"No Jude I'm pretty sure the magazine the doctor gave me said not to smoke..." She sighed. "As much as I'd like to right now..."

He let loose a deep sigh. "Right." Silence consumed as they continued to walk. He continued to suck on the cancer stick, as she continued to look down at the pavement. Why was it like this? All he wanted was to make her feel better, but how could he when she seemed to not want him around?

"So I was looking through some files for families looking for a baby..."

He shook his head slightly, knowing she wasn't looking at him. He didn't want to talk about this. About the baby sure, but giving it up for adoption was just.. he couldn't. Couldn't think of it, let alone talk about it.

"Some of them are crazy looking, but some of them actually look suitable. I might need help choosing one.." She paused looking up into his eyes. "That is if you want to help."

He slowly looked up, locking eyes with her. "No." He snapped. "Lena.." He sighed, grabbing her hand and pulling her off the trail. Once they were in a field, he shook his head. "I don't want to help you pick another family."

[Lena]

Lena looked at him quizzically as he pulled her off the trail. She kept her gaze in his eyes praying he would say the three words to make all of this all better, but her heart was making false hopes for itself. She felt her blood boil as he said he didn't want to help. "Fine Jude. Don't help. I kind of figured the day I told you that this would happen. I'll find a family for it by myself..." She felt her voice crack as she began to choke up.

Looking away from him she coaxed herself not to cry. Falling into herself she turned back to look at him squeezing his hand that was still in hers. "Jude." She stopped herself there was no way she could tell him anything that was going through her mind. She had no clue how he felt about her. "I can't do this by myself, but you make me feel like its the only way." She looked down at her feet and her already potruding belly.

"I'm scared." She said beginning to tear up. She didn't care how he felt anymore she found herself plummetting into his shoulder wrapping her arms around his neck. She let her silent sobs go into his shoulder. "I'm only 17 Jude...I don't know what to do." She shuddered as she grapsed to him a little tighter.

[Jude]

"Fine Jude. Don't help. I kind of figured the day I told you that this would happen. I'll find a family for it by myself..."

She really saw him that way? Like he was some low scum, lower than the worm shit? He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. His mouth opened to say something, but instead he just shook his head. Why waste words when she knew he was going to be this way? Could you blame a guy for wanting to see his kid grow up? Shit...

"Jude. I can't do this by myself, but you make me feel like its the only way. I'm scared. I'm only 17 Jude...I don't know what to do."

Just like that, everything changed again. But as soon as she wrapped her arms around his neck, his face crumbled as he wrapped his arms around her. Hearing her talk as if she was going to cry was literally tearing him up inside. "I know." He whispered softly, rubbing her back gently.

"I know, and I'm sorry." He replied quietly, his head shaking slightly. "I don't wanna help you because..." He sighed. "I know you feel like... like you should put this kid up for adoption or whatever..." He sighed.

"I just..." He pulled her away, at arms length. "I don't think I can love with myself knowing I let one of my own flesh and blood be raised by someone that isn't his...hers.. it's, family."

[Lena]

Lena looked at him amazed at he had somewhat let his wall crumble to show her his affectionate side. She wiped her tears staring into his eyes. "You-you want to keep it?" She sniffled. "Jude Carter you better not be fucking with me." She said in a stern shaky voice. She looked down at the ground and back up to his should that she soaked with her tears.

Taking a deep breath she stared at him not saying a word. Finally deciding she would for once say what she feels. "Jude. If we keep this baby I have to know you are in it for the long run. I have to know deep down somewhere you care for me atleast enough to not leave me before the baby is born or even right after." She cleared her throat. Looking him in the eyes no emotion on her face.

"Tell me can you do that?" She sighed. She worded it differently in her head. In her head the only words she wanted to say was. Can you love me? Please?

[Jude]

"You-you want to keep it?" She sniffled. "Jude Carter you better not be fucking with me."

He smiled softly. "Not fucking with you." He said softly. "For once, I'm telling you the truth, Lena. I want to see this kid, day in and day out. I can't promise I'm going to be a great dad or anything of the sort... but I want to keep it."

"Jude. If we keep this baby I have to know you are in it for the long run. I have to know deep down somewhere you care for me atleast enough to not leave me before the baby is born or even right after. Tell me can you do that?"

She was wanting him to say he would stay. He couldn't promise to stay with her in a relationship, but he could promise to always be around, and involved. "Lena.." He started quietly. "Look, I can promise you, despite if we're together or not, I'm in this for the long haul, good or bad. I'm going to be here, every day." He nodded lightly. "I promise.

Then it was like static in his mind. His brows furrowed as he rubbed his head. Shaking it a moment later, he finally heard 'You... me... please...' inside of his own mind, but he knew it wasn't his own thoughts... His hand lifted, rubbing at his forehead, brows creased.

[Lena]

She knew what he meant. He was not going to promise to stay with her, but with the kid yes. It hurt her deep down, but it was good to know he would love the child no matter what. That was all she could ask for. It would be too much to bind him to her...even if that was the thing she wanted the most. Lena was never the one to show her emotions. This was very unlike her, but the hormones were already going haywire and she was losing control fast.

She would never....never though tell him how she truly felt. Deep down she would think it until she was blue in the face but say it....out loud...to jude. HELL NO! Never would she embarrass herself and set herself up for heartache. She cared for him and trusted him enough, but not enough to pour her heart out.

Taking a cleansing breath she looked at him her eyes smiling but her face showing no emotion. He truly did care for the baby. It wasn't exactly a fiery passion like she was used to...but a love none the less. She leaned forward and without a word planted a kiss on his cheek. "That's all I needed to hear to make my feel a little better. Thanks." She smiled crookedly.

[Jude]

"That's all I needed to hear to make my feel a little better. Thanks."

He wasn't sure what to say. "Lena.." He whispered softly. "That doesn't mean.. I don't..." It was hard for him to say how he felt, been like that since a kid. Something to do with being in an abusive home. "That doesn't mean I don't care for you.." he paused, dipping down some to look in her eyes. "You know that, right?"

Then there was the whole thing he'd been hiding for three months, all because of what was said between them on the day it happened. He bit his lower lip, sighing softly. "I think..." He started. "I'm telepathic."

[Lena]

Lena looked up at him her small smile barely showing. "Jude I'm sure you care for me..." She sighed. "I mean you can't say you want to keep a baby with me and not care for me. There are just so many different types of caring.." She spoke soft. She stopped herself.

He spoke with something random that changed the subject. Which was a great thing and a bad thing. He was telepathic. He could hear her thoughts. She coughed hiding her shock. "What?" She asked. "Like you can read thoughts?" She raised a brow. "No..." She shook her head. "Seriously? Well shit theres no hiding anything from you now." She laughed softly.