3AM | Monologue

[Colette]

I felt it..
Beautiful - Eminem

I felt hope..

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own. Everybody has a private world,
where they can be alone.
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you...

She heaved a sigh, plopping the suitcase on the bed. God.. what time was it? She looked to the alarm clock; three in the morning. Her head turned, seeing Laura walk through the hallway, stopping at her door. They shared a look, and Colette forced a smile. She wanted to tell Laura that everything would be okay. Laura gave a nod, pushing off the door frame and walking into her room.

I'm just so fuckin' depressed,
I just can seem to get out this slump.
If I could just get over this hump..

She closed her eyes, head lowering in defeat. This room, it smelled like him. She let out a shaky breath, she could feel her throat burning, a clear sign the tears were soon to follow.

All this time, she was running from this place. She sat down on the bed, looking around the room. Even when she did run away, it sucked her back in.

It wasn't like she didn't love it. She did. She sucked her lips in, her head turning to his side of the bed. "I asked you to stay.." She whispered, laying a hand there on the comforter.

"I guess I'm too scared to admit it.." She paused, laying down as a shaky breath and a tear escaped her. She pulled his pillow close, taking in the scent.

But I just can't admit, or come to grips,
with the fact that I may be done with rap.
I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow.
And I just can't sit back and wallow
in my own sorrow...

She wiped at her face. "Everytime I'm here.. I think of that day.. when Hell broke loose. When my student died, and my hands were covered in their blood.." She closed her eyes, breathing out a sigh.

"What happened to forever? To 'just this once, Colette'?" She asked through her tears. "I just wanted you.. I didn't want this.. I'd give anything.." She rolled onto her back letting the words slide off into nothingness. "What am I suppose to do, huh?"

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help

She starred at the ceiling. "What about the kids?" She mumbled, brows furrowed. "What am I suppose to tell them? They're too young to remember, Charles.. You were suppose to be here..." She cried out, shaking her head.

Her heart felt so heavy.. "I had something to hold onto.. something to look forward too." Her face was red, tears streaming down her face. "I felt hope with you.. All I wanted you to do was stay.. to just stay!" She yelled, hitting at the bed as she sat up.

"But you couldn't even give me that... " She realized then, that was the part of the factor to her night with Benson. She rubbed at her forehead. "Laura is so far gone.. I can't.. It's like--I can't touch here, where she is.."

Let's trade shoes
just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes..

She was pacing. Up and down nest to the bed, hands in her hair as tears streamed down her face. She was beyond lost, and heartbroken. She pulled at her hair, feeling the need to scream.

Just as quick as it came, it stopped. She stood there, a distraught look on her face, but slowly it diminished. You know what you need to do.. She could hear it.. Feel it.. deep inside of her.

She knew exactly what she would do. "No more running.." She said softly. I'm back..

And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put em on and wear em
And be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful...