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Post by Benson Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 16:01:48 GMT -5
He found he was most relaxed here, which is why they were here...again. There was no where else he'd rather be, not right now. It was a nice day, warm, sunny, clear. That's it; focus on the weather. Because he didn't have to be nervous. Except there was every reason in the world for him to be nervous. But, no, they'd been together for such a long time now. She had made no moves that would indicate her saying no, right? She...well, there was always the possibility... Hey, the cloud kind of looked like...a cloud... If he could fuck himself sideways, goddamn it... Benson opened his mouth to speak, but his words got caught in his throat and he coughed, bringing a hand to the base of his neck. "Sorry," he muttered, clearing his throat and sending a casual smile to Andrua, who was beside him, and could very well have been glowing right now. Jesus, he fucking loved this woman.
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Post by Andrua Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 16:21:43 GMT -5
God, it was such a nice day. And she was with Benson. So it was an even better day. Even if he was acting strangely. Not that he was usually a talker, but he was just...awkwardly silent today. Like there was something he won't to say but couldn't find the right words. Giggling at his apology, she shook her head and closed her eyes. She was stretched out in the healthy grass of the soccer field, hoping some teenagers would happen along and start a pick-up game that she and Benson could crash. Again. That would be fun. But as it was, she was enjoying herself just laying there. Even if her boyfriend was silly. "Y'all right there, dude?" she drawled, smiling. Keeping her eyes shut, she trailed one hand along the gras, hoping to ind his hand.
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Post by Benson Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 16:29:41 GMT -5
"Good, yeah, fine, yes," he answered choppily, running a hand over his hair and then looking over at her with anticipation in his eyes. He didn't want to give it away, which he knew he was sure to do if he kept his mouth agape like that.
Leaning down, he planted a soft kiss to her, not letting it last just yet. Wait for that. "You...are so goddamn beautiful."
Linking his hand with hers gave him chills. For once, he felt that he was able to find words smoothly. They just...came. "Andrua," he began, wanting to ensure that he had her full attention, and that she wasn't soaking up the sunlight. Though, if that's what she wanted to do right now, that was perfectly fine with him.
"You know I'm in love with you, yeah? I...I really care about you. And...I want to keep caring about you." His heart thrust against his chest and he could've sworn it was going to burst from him. Plucking the box from his pocket, he offered it to her, keeping a steady gaze on her face to see her reaction, her instincts. "I'd be honored if you would marry me."
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Post by Andrua Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 16:41:09 GMT -5
"Good, yeah, fine, yes," she repeated teasingly. Whatever was up with him it wasn't...bad. Wasn't bothering him too much. So she would just let him tell her, then. Whenever he wanted. She stretched briefly, pulling her arms above her head before letting them drop there. She unzipped her hoodie a little, getting warm right in the sunlight. He kissed her shortly and she chased his lips, hoping for more. But he kept away. She opened her eyes to see why and then grinned at his compliment. "Thanks, Bennie," she said, smile as warm as the sun above them. 'Now kiss me, damnit.' But Benson had other ideas, apparently.
"You know I'm in love with you, yeah?" She nodded, sure there was more to come. Her eyebrows knitted together, though, curious. "I really care about you. And...I want to keep caring about you." Oh God, he was proposing. He was fucking proposing to her! She sat up suddenly, meeting his eyes as he finally popped the question. "I'd be honored if you would marry me."
"Oh fuck," she mumbled, looking down at the box. Oh god, the ring was gorgeous. "But we don't do this," she said in a strangled voice, lost. They were laid-back and care-free. They played soccer and fought as often as they held hands and kissed. They weren't... That's not to say their relationship was valid or legitimate. It certainly was. Just... Married?! "Ben..." she trailed. How could she tell him no? "I love you, Ben. I love you so much and I'm so in love with you." That much was definitely true. "But...married? I mean... Can you honestly see us married? Having a life?"
She was twenty. She wasn't ready to get married, to settle down. It wouldn't really be different from how they were now but...it would be. They would be married. That was big. Andrua wasn't ready.
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Post by Benson Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 16:51:11 GMT -5
Well, those weren't exactly the first words he'd expected to come out of her mouth, but then again, you couldn't expect anything from Andrua, because you'd get something totally different. The look on her face sent a wave of panic surging through his veins. What was she going to say? She didn't look pleased. Just shocked. Scared, even.
"But we don't do this." He frowned, not understanding. Why didn't they do this? Do what, exactly? Get married? Biting his lip, he felt the hand holding the box begin to shake slightly.
No. It was her decision. She had the right to say no. If she wasn't ready, that was...that was fine.
"Can you honestly see us married? Having a life?"
His face fell into something boyish, suddenly hurt, cut deep. "Yes?" he choked, swallowing hard afterwards. Why was it so hard to picture for her? How much different would it be than it was right now? They did everything a married couple did--arguments included. Looking down, he shut the box and nodded. "Got it."
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Post by Andrua Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 17:06:43 GMT -5
She immediately took him into a hug. Arms thrown around his neck, she tucked her face against his shoulder. She was crying. Because she knew she hurt him and she never wanted to do that, hated herself for doing it. "I'm sorry, Ben. I... Please understand. I don't..." She fought for words. "I don't doubt us. Or you. Or anything. I just..." Don't want to be married. Not yet. "I can't, not yet. There's a lot more I need to do before I can start thinking about getting married." Because she hardly knew who she was so how could she marry someone.
Wiping her eyes, she pulled from him. She laughed self-deprecatingly, shaking her head. "And god. You...are perfect. You're gorgeous and this was perfect and that," she gestured to the ring box, "is absolutely breath-taking and the soccer field..." She let out a breath, eyes dropping. "You did everything so right, Ben. It's just me that's wrong. You get that, right? Please say you understand that." She wasn't saying no to marrying him. She was saying no to marrying him at that time.
Her fingers curled in the grass, stomach clenching. "Don't hate me," she muttered softly.
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Post by Benson Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 17:43:40 GMT -5
He sniffed, putting an arm around her, keeping the hand with the box in the grass, not wanting to look at it for a long time, having stared at it hopefully for nearly two weeks now. He'd thought about the proposal much longer than that, of course, but he hadn't bought it until fourteen days before. Wetting his lips, he swallowed in the hopes to soothe his raw throat. He didn't feel like crying, but he knew it was going to happen if he so much as breathed a word.
There was no need to cry, anyway. It was totally, completely, absolutely up to her. That's why he'd asked, not demanded. It was a proposal, not a command.
Perfect? He scoffed, shaking his head and pulling away, resting his arms on his bent knees. He felt so stupid. It was humiliating, being turned down when he was so sure that this was going to work out. How wrong he'd been, and in front of her, too...
Her, not him? Jesus, he hated that old cliche. Brows furrowed, he shook his head a little, turning back to her. "N-no," he confessed with a striking confidence, "I don't. W-who the hell on this earth could possibly understand that?"
Bringing himself to his feet, he put the box in his pocket and sighed, nodding once to her with the slightest hint of a smile. "Of course I don't hate you," he chuckled. "I got my hopes up, is all."
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Post by Andrua Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 17:53:59 GMT -5
She sighed and nodded. She didn't know how to explain it but she just could not get married. "I...don't know how to say it," she admitted dismally. "It's...not that I don't want to marry you. It's that I don't want to get married at all. At least, not right now." She sighed noisily, disturbing her bangs. "And maybe that sounds cliche or whatever, but it's the truth." She just hoped he would believe her.
She was sure that, somewhere in the world, there was a ex-Nazi or some cop who had slipped up and gotten his partner killed or some guy who had just cheated on his wife, they might hate themselves a little more than she did at that moment. But then again, she was pretty sure she won that prize, with the way she felt.
Her smile was forced and wrong as she rose to her feet as well. She watched him slip the box away and her heart broke a little more. Curling her arms around his, she pulled close to him and dropped her face to rest on the side of his shoulder.
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Post by Benson Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 18:05:54 GMT -5
That...
...made no more sense than it had the first time.
Shaking his head, he ran a palm over his only slightly sweaty face that had moistened from the nerves, but now there was nothing to be nervous about. He just wanted to go home and wallow in his humiliation before he was able to emerge from it. He'd made a complete fool of himself in front of her... He didn't know if he was going to be able to live it down--go on with life, with her, even, knowing that he'd embarrassed himself, and that she turned him down. Inadequate was what he was. She didn't want to get married at all.
"Just...don't try to explain it," he laughed. "I'm not going to get it."
Patting her back, he didn't know how to respond now. It shouldn't be awkward, right? It didn't have to be...right?
Licking his suddenly once more dry lips, he took a step back. "Think I'm gonna head out."
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Post by Andrua Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 18:16:39 GMT -5
She lowered her eyes, nodding. She figured he wouldn't. But damnit she felt so bad that he was hurt. She just... She wished he had never asked her. Or, better yet, she wished that she could say yes. She wished that she was ready, new what it meant to be ready. Wished that he could have asked her and she could have lit up and leapt him into a hug and kissed him deep and said yes a hundred times and slipped the ring --that gorgeous, perfect ring that was so right for her because he knew her so goddamn well-- onto her finger and ohh'd over it and ahh'd over it. She would have run straight to Biella and shown Colette and then Emma and Cian and anybody she could find, random strangers on the street.
But she had said no. Because she couldn't say yes, not without it being a lie. And fuck he looked so sad and she didn't want him to be sad. She hated that she had been the cause of his sadness. Because that's not what a girlfriend was supposed to do, she was supposed to make you feel good about yourself. She wished she could just be a normal fucking girl and get excited and say yes.
Meeting his eyes, she knew he probably wanted to be alone. But she didn't want to be. She wanted to be with him. "Can I come?" she asked softly.
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Post by Benson Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 18:23:15 GMT -5
Did this mean they went back to the way things were two minutes ago; just being a normal, dating couple? Or had he jumped the gun, and made this decision too soon, so now things would be stiff and controlled between them? She looked so upset, and he wished he'd never asked. He hadn't meant to cause her confusion or pain. He just wanted her to be happy, with him. But marriage seemed to make her miserable. She had been happy just being his girlfriend. He should've asked when she was ready to take the next step. Fuck... This shit was so hard without telepathy.
His stomach lurched when she asked to come along. Jaw settling, he let off a shrug, not even thinking about it. "Sure."
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Post by Andrua Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 18:38:08 GMT -5
That cheered her up a bit. At least he wasn't pushing her away. Of course it was gonna be a little awkward for awhile. But there was no reason they couldn't go back to being the same couple they had been before. Unless he decided to dump her, in which case Andrua would drown her sorrows in a waiter with green eyes and a name like Dave, who had come to New York from the MidWest looking for work. Andrua was just picking out his mother and father's name when she stopped herself. He wasn't going to dump her. No. They were going to make this work. They had to. Because Andrua didn't want anyone else. Not even Dave, despite his green eyes.
She ducked under his arm, holding herself close to him. She silently begged him not to pull away, just allow her the closeness she seemed to crave at the moment. Her arms went around his waist, taking up their usual positions. Just a normal day, the two of them walking through the park. A cloud passed over the sun and Andrua shivered. She zippered up her hoodie again.
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Post by Benson Thomas on Nov 21, 2009 20:51:30 GMT -5
All but killing himself when she assumed the position beside him, he felt his brain begin to deteriorate from its massive workout. This was confusing--a studdered rejection of marriage, yet she seemed to yearn to be in contact with him. Supposedly this was good enough for her. This stage where they were an "official" couple, but they could still go their own ways with no hard feelings or court battles. Swallowing whatever integrity he had left, he looked around, finding his arm unmoving as it was wrapped around her. He didn't want her to think he was being unfriendly to touching, or in anyway rejecting it, because his only goal right now was to please her. Somehow.
Oh, football. A few games to the side of him caught his eye and he figured maybe taking the time to do something they both enjoyed and to do something that would work out some of those stress hormones would be a good thing. While his body asked for him to lie down on the couch and shovel in ice cream for the next three days, his brain told him to play footy.
Jerking his head in the games' general direction, he asked, "Feel like joining?"
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Post by Andrua Thomas on Nov 22, 2009 1:39:09 GMT -5
Most of the tension in her body left in a quiet sigh as he didn't shrug her off. Okay. Baby steps. This would be good. They could definitely make this work. She couldn't quite smile yet, but she was sure that would come in time.
As it was, it only took a few more seconds. Andrua chuckled and looked to the side, examining one of the games. "Sure. I'm up for it if you are," she replied, still giggling. He liked her laugh, he knew. Lit up when he was the cause of it and went out of his way to make it appear. Her eyes lifted to his, waiting for a response.
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Post by Benson Thomas on Nov 22, 2009 15:15:17 GMT -5
The game beside them actually consisted of both men and women, more or less around their age, so it might be somewhat of a challenge. He just hoped this might smooth things out between them: doing something they both found fun and were good at, and generally enjoyed battling each other at. Being with Andrua right now wasn't the hard part--it was taking what she had said (which was really open to interpretation all by itself) and making something out of it.
"Yeah," he jumped at the opportunity, already starting to pull off his vest. He was glad he was in Converses--best shoes aside from cleats to play this game in. After introductions and pleasantries between them and the group of already set players, they were permitted into the game. They were put on opposing teams.
Ben's only thought was battling her for the ball.
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Post by Andrua Thomas on Nov 22, 2009 15:24:29 GMT -5
Andrua grinned as she discarded her jacket and kicked her shoes and socks off. Ben played better with boots or some type of shoes. But she was at her peak when barefoot. It just usually ended in pain once the game was over. But that was okay.
She got to know her teammates quickly, exchanging names and positions. Taking up her place at half-back, she faced-off against Benson, playing her mirror position. A cocky grin took her face. "Going down," she mouthed to him. The game set into play and the ball came her way. Caging it, she assessed the field quickly. No open pass but a line up the pipe with only Benson in her way. Hell yeah.
She took off at a run, dribbling, just daring him to come at her. This was good. Falling into the usual pattern for them. Playing footy, facing off, fighting, goofing off and having sex. This was what she liked. She couldn't wait for him to clash against him, to make him fight for the ball from her.
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Post by Benson Thomas on Nov 22, 2009 17:25:41 GMT -5
The smile on her face reassured him that she probably wasn't too broken up about the proposal. She'd been crying before but that all seemed to melt away. Good. He wanted to cheer her up, and what better way with a game she could easily kick his ass in? He didn't feel like winning. He just felt like trying--sweating it out, fucking sprint up and down the pitch without touching the ball once (although his pinnacle position would forbid that). Though he didn't respond to her verbal challenge, eyes set on the kickoff, he started off right away, as if stepping up to the challenge.
On his toes, concentrated on the ball and Andrua's feet, watching as they weaved and stepped and almost danced, Benson found the perfect, opportunistic timing to step in and take the ball. She had faltered, leaving her legs too far apart, a clear moment for a nutmeg...
No, he couldn't do it. He froze, feet planted firmly in the ground, never even leaning one way or the other as he felt the woosh of the air she took with her fly past him. Receiving quizzical glances from his teammates and a few irritated shakes of heads ('cause now they had to deal with her), he looked at the ground. His legs felt heavy.
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Post by Andrua Thomas on Nov 25, 2009 16:06:06 GMT -5
She made right for Benson, readying herself for the battle. Just as she was crossing him, she made the fatal mistake. She knew a split second after what it was and she knew he was going to take the ball from her. He had a clear short at just popping it through her feet and, unless he was blind, he had to have seen it. But then she was passing him, heading for the eighteen. And the ball was still hers.
Before she could contemplate what the hell had just happened, the fullback was on her and she had to play the game. Dancing around the defense-man a second, she lobbed the ball across center, sending it to her offense. Her teammate took the shot but the opposing goalie snatched it easily. Jogging back to set-up for the punt, Andrua sought out Benson. Keeping her eyes on the goalie getting ready to kick, Andrua murmured, "T'hell, dude? You could've megged me so easy back there."
She hoped this wasn't about the proposal. She didn't want things to be different between them because of...that. She sighed inwardly.
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Post by Benson Thomas on Nov 26, 2009 11:51:07 GMT -5
Even the wind she left in the dust behind her, and it whipped into his eyes, making them water. He sighed, rubbing at them briefly before listening to the on-beat thumps of feet against the ball, expecting to hear the swish of the net conform to the shot, but rather, soon after, there was a third whack of the keeper punting. Well, he was sure with Dru on their team they'd win anyway. Benson started off at a leisurely trot back down the pitch to field the punt.
Her words caught him mid-step, and he faced her. "Couldn't; I got something in my eye," he rolled off with ease, shrugging. "Saw it, though. So don't think you'll get away with another one." Just something to distract her from the fact that his body had refused to move, not wanting to touch her right now. He wanted to fuck her aggressively, that's what he wanted. Shit...
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Post by Andrua Thomas on Nov 27, 2009 14:15:44 GMT -5
She scoffed at his excuse, shoving him good-naturedly. "Mhm, sure," she drawled. She didn't want to play anymore. She wanted to go home with him and fall asleep against him, as close to him as she could get.
But then the punt was being returned and she dropped back behind her offense. No more glory-hounding. She could just stick to a more defensive halfback. Ride the game out and let her center take the breaks past the halfline. Just as she made that resolve, one of the opposing offensemen made their way toward her. Andrua settled herself into position and passed one last heated look to Benson. Just after meeting his eyes, she set her attention back on the game.
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