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Post by Emma Lawrence on Mar 6, 2010 22:09:56 GMT -5
Emma laughed at first. "Believe me. This friend of mine is never wrong. You'll meet her someday." But then her face fell completely. He'd forgotten...everything. All of their memories. The time they spent together, however limited. Whatever they'd done. Gone. He didn't remember any of it. "Then how do you remember me?" she choked.
Then she dove her face into her hands, wanting to break down and sob. He'd kidnapped Ollie but he didn't remember. His daughter knew more than he did. He'd forgotten the good and the bad. Her eyes peeked over her fingertips, eyes watery, but she refused to be the one to unlock the gate.
"Cute."
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Post by Saikoro Kohana on Mar 6, 2010 23:15:48 GMT -5
"How could I forget you, Emmanuelle? I remember a lot of you...just not so much as what you look like." He said with a straight voice, a hint of softness in it as he spoke. He smiled at her a bit and then gently reached for her hands, gently moving them from her face. "It'd be impossible to forget you. But you have to remember, Ollie was kind of ripped from my life against my wishes so forgetting memories of him was sort of...inevitable."
Letting out a deep breath, he put his hand to his head, scratching a bit. "I just can't make sense of Adalina's story. She never met Oliver.......did she?" Saikoro sounded curious to know and yet a bit reluctant to hear the tale. Surely Emma would know if it was true or fake, right? At least, that was what Sai hoped.
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Post by Emma Lawrence on Mar 6, 2010 23:37:06 GMT -5
He took her hands then and she knew she was going to cry eventually. Willingly, consciously, she wrapped her fingers around his. They gave her a confident reassurance. At least he didn't forget everything about their life together. "I don't think it was inevitable, per se," she sighed, staring at their hands intertwined. "I at least thought you would want to remember a little about him. Just enough so he wouldn't be a total stranger when you meet him eventually."
There it was: The Question. The one she'd been dreading. Now she had to answer it. There was no way around it. None. Her heart skipped a few beats. "Yes," she mumbled out, lips suddenly dry, "yes, she did. On a number of occasions. The longest one..." She took a deep, thready breath, raising her chin to make eye contact with him, even if he couldn't see her. "Was when you kidnapped him. You...took him out of my arms and took him to your house. I guess you can pancakes in the morning. Then Cian and I showed up with Colette, then demons came, and..." She couldn't finish. The heart-wrenching experience was too much to try to relive.
"Then they met at the park after Maura was born."
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Post by Saikoro Kohana on Mar 15, 2010 12:26:26 GMT -5
"W-Why would I kidnap my own son? You make me sound like some criminal or something. Like I had an intent to harm him or worse. You know me, I would never hurt my own son," He stated sounding rather disappointed in her tale. Saikoro shook his head a bit and then sighed.
"Why would I do that? Why couldn't I just ask if....oh....now I remember. Because I couldn't just ask, you wouldn't let me if I tried. Or he would beat me up if I even suggested the idea. The last time I visited, Cian glared at me the entire time. We had pancakes then....Ollie showed me a picture....and then I was driven to leave because of Cian's obsessive glaring." It now was beginning to flood back like crazy, only making frustration show clearly upon his face.
Sai took a couple deep breaths as his robotic arm tightened into a fist before slowly relaxing again. "What kind of twisted man doesn't let another see their own son? You couldn't have married someone friendly like Cain? Someone who is willing to compromise a bit?" He asked sadly and then let out a breath. He carefully picked up Sonny, who seemed to be waking up.
Carefully, he rocked her and then gave a half-chuckle. "And now I'm blind so I couldn't see Oliver if I tried. Who knows? I might be blind for the rest of my life. Talk about bad karma, huh? Heh, then again...what kid would want to learn their true father was blind? I sure as hell wouldn't if I were him. Guess he's luckly he doesn't know me then, eh?"
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Post by Emma Lawrence on Mar 15, 2010 12:47:57 GMT -5
((rawrmonster post, jackie? XD niiiiice.))
Because he was. He had been a criminal. He took a child away from its mother forcefully. Even though time had passed and she didn't want to be angry, she couldn't extinguish the urge to throw it in his face and make him remember the things he'd done. Perhaps then he would apologize. It wasn't likely, and while there was no reason to make him feel any more guilty than he already did, it would feel so very satisfying. Pushing those urges away, Emma let go of a sound sigh. "I know you wouldn't," she conceded, at least confident in those words. He wouldn't hurt Ollie. He would just hurt anyone else to get to Ollie.
A hand dove into her hair and she locked in another sigh. "It's not good for him while he's so young. You know that. Now as a father of three babies, you can relate, right? And Cian doesn't just beat people up, you should know that too. He only hit you once because you tried to take Oliver from us." It was on the tip of her tongue to also remind him that he's also hit her on several occasions (like the broken nose, the slaps to her face, et al), but they didn't need to digress.
"What kind of twisted man doesn't let another see their own son? You couldn't have married someone friendly like Cain? Someone who is willing to compromise a bit?"
At that, Emma couldn't help but laugh. "Why are you so concerned over who I married now? You hated me after we broke up, even when I wasn't dating. I didn't think it mattered to you." Leaving his last comment alone, though it made her blood boil, she shook her head. "It had nothing to do with you. We weren't keeping him away from you because of anything you did. We were keeping him away for his own safety, for his own mental and emotional health. A small boy needs stability, routine. Sharing time between two fathers wouldn't have been good for him."
"And now I'm blind so I couldn't see Oliver if I tried. Who knows? I might be blind for the rest of my life. Talk about bad karma, huh? Heh, then again...what kid would want to learn their true father was blind? I sure as hell wouldn't if I were him. Guess he's luckly he doesn't know me then, eh?"
"Even if you are," she answered, tone softer, "you should still meet him. You don't have to know what he looks like to remember him, or know he's your son. Oliver's not shallow, either, that much I can tell. He won't care if you're blind. That doesn't determine the love between a parent and a child. He will know you, Saikoro. I'll make sure of that. I have to tell him sometime."
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Post by Saikoro Kohana on Mar 15, 2010 16:58:48 GMT -5
((I had time at lunch then so I posted! Dunno where it came from at that time though.))
Even though he couldn't read her mind, he could feel her urge of dislike towards him. In fact, that feeling of disgust seemed to only make him more upset. He didn't see what was to say sorry about. He didn't volunteer to lose privileges to see his son in the first place. No. That had been Emma's doing. She drove it upon herself. All he wanted to do is spend a few last moments with his son before they were wrenched away from his memory forever. Was that so hard to ask?
"It's not good for him while he's so young. You know that. Now as a father of three babies, you can relate, right? And Cian doesn't just beat people up, you should know that too. He only hit you once because you tried to take Oliver from us."
Saikoro's eyebrows narrowed and he shook his head firmly. "No. I don't. Molleigh still get's to spend equal time with Cain. We decided together that it was best not to lie to her for half of her life. She had the right to know who was her real dad and who was her other dad even if she was too young to understand. And she loves both just the same and BOTH sides are happy. At least she wouldn't grow up and be devastated to find out that the family, the father she knew, depended on, and believed in was her fake father and she had never even gotten to see her true dad when she was young. That didn't seem like a very suitable scenario."
"It had nothing to do with you. We weren't keeping him away from you because of anything you did. We were keeping him away for his own safety, for his own mental and emotional health. A small boy needs stability, routine. Sharing time between two fathers wouldn't have been good for him."
Saikoro finally got Sonny to sleep and put her carefully in the stroller again. Emma's words caused him to laugh, surprised that she would even say that. "It had everything to do with me. Cian didn't like me. Don't know what you told him about me but it was apparent from the first day I visited Ollie that he wanted me dead...away from my boy. Don't you remember? Before you started dating, you told me I could visit once in a while. Not often but once in a while. You said you still wanted me to be in his life. The second Cian came into that scenario, you told me visiting was wrong and that I should basically just get lost. Besides, I bring bad luck wherever I go and everyone disapproves of my presence as it is; so, why wouldn't you ban me from having any contact with my own son?!" Sai sighed deeply and then rubbed the back of his neck.
He turned his head up to face her, even though he couldn't see her. With a soft smile, he spoke in a more calmed tone, "Amarie was nice enough to get me through the pain. Whether you agree or not, I fell in love with Amarie because she truly cared whether or not Saikoro lived...not "Oliver's dad". I beginning to feel like before today, that is all you really think of me as. Now, I'm not really sure what you think of me. But I knew what she thought of me then and still does now; a person with feelings, hopes, dreams, and ideas." Saikoro gently placed a hand upon her shoulder. "I'm sorry Emmanuelle, for whatever I've done that made you believe that I was a man who needed to be punished so...cruelly. But I did save your life countless times. The least you could've done is let me off a little easier instead of shoving me down in an act of desperation. Tell me the truth; did you think I wouldn't make a good father? Like an abusive, careless one or something? Because I know it had to do with me more than anything else."
((I have NO CLUE where that whopper of a post came from either!! It's getting heated. I forgot what I was gonna do to change the subject at lunch.))
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Post by Emma Lawrence on Mar 16, 2010 19:32:20 GMT -5
((Damn, woman. I am unworthy. xD))
This was too much to hear. Summoning up the energy to reply was difficult, but finally she managed, "I made my decision for my family, and you made yours. That's something we can't debate." They would deal with Oliver when the time came. They'd explain their side, explain Saikoro's side, and let him react however his heart let him. Saikoro couldn't try to demoralize her methods of parenting. They had two totally different perspectives so they couldn't be compared fairly. That was that.
Emma suddenly fell onto the defense, playing with her clammy fingers, letting her arms hang, as if to shield herself somewhat from the words he was slinging at her. "Cian has never wanted you dead except for when you broke my nose. He isn't this abrasive, pugnacious, merciless man you think he is. He's just always been wary of you because we made the decision of having him adopt Oliver. You two have just rubbed elbows. There's nothing wrong with either of you." The comment made her throat go dry but she tried swallowing to reclear it. A bout of strength came up and she snapped, "This has nothing to do with you, no matter how much you try to put yourself in the spotlight. This is about Oliver and his safety and you know it. I don't care if you don't like it. It's done and there's nothing you can do about it."
"Amarie was nice enough to get me through the pain. Whether you agree or not, I fell in love with Amarie because she truly cared whether or not Saikoro lived...not "Oliver's dad". I beginning to feel like before today, that is all you really think of me as. Now, I'm not really sure what you think of me. But I knew what she thought of me then and still does now; a person with feelings, hopes, dreams, and ideas."
"And what did I do? I didn't help you release Azrael or anything. I didn't love you when you came back after those hiatuses. I didn't wish you came by more often to see Oliver," she challenged sarcastically, but her voice retreated to something exceedingly more feeble afterwards as his tirade grew. "No," she choked, shaking her head, dropping her gaze. That wasn't the case at all. He wasn't just Ollie's father. She'd loved him at one point. She'd wanted to spend her life with him. Had. Once upon a time.
"I'm sorry Emmanuelle, for whatever I've done that made you believe that I was a man who needed to be punished so...cruelly. But I did save your life countless times. The least you could've done is let me off a little easier instead of shoving me down in an act of desperation."
He put his hand on her shoulder and she shrunk, almost whimpering like a scared animal being inhibited. Her shoulder cringed under his touch, scared. Unworthy of his touch. Whatever he was doing, she didn't like it. Made her feel uncomfortable.
"I never thought you needed to be punished except when you kidnapped them. Then I wanted to tear you to pieces because it was immoral and illegal," she squeaked. Save her life? Like when? The time when he watched her get tortured by Azrael when he tried to take Oliver? The time Zarael attacked her when she was pregnant? Yeah, she would need some memory refreshment. "And it wasn't an act of desperation. It was something I did for my own good. I gave it a lot of thought, believe me. It wasn't easy. I wanted to be with you, but I couldn't."
"Tell me the truth; did you think I wouldn't make a good father? Like an abusive, careless one or something? Because I know it had to do with me more than anything else."
Her reply came after a few beats, but it wasn't insecure or unsure. "No. No, I didn't. Ever. You were good with Ollie. You really were." But, yes, he was right--it did concern more than just him. She needed someone by her side consistently. He needed someone who wouldn't hound him for attention. Oliver needed a real father. Not someone who acted good whenever he got around to it.
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Post by Saikoro Kohana on Mar 16, 2010 20:59:06 GMT -5
"I made my decision for my family, and you made yours. That's something we can't debate."
"And what are you going to do for "your" family when the time comes? You don't even know my side of the story. You don't care about my story. You'll probably just make something up! You have no clue what I was doing on the day you ended our relationship either for you never really bothered to care." He snapped and then took a deep breath. He had wanted to say this for a while.
Calmly, he stated, "I know it doesn't matter but I always wanted to tell you just so you'd think of me as better of a person than you have been thinking of me. I was going to take us all to the zoo. Then, I was going to see if I could get a baby sitter and I was going to take you out to dinner and then we'd walk home together while I told you how sorry I was for everything and how much I love you and how I promised to try and make this work." He let out an exhausted breath and then smiled. "I'm glad I finally got that out. But you decided to not even let me speak. I'm not even sure I got you the right color of flowers or maybe you were allergic to them, but that doesn't matter. You didn't let me justify myself...or say anything. You just held me responsible for "ruining" everything."
"Cian has never wanted you dead except for when you broke my nose. He isn't this abrasive, pugnacious, merciless man you think he is. He's just always been wary of you because we made the decision of having him adopt Oliver. You two have just rubbed elbows. There's nothing wrong with either of you."
Letting out a frustrated groan, he put a hand to his head, rubbing his forehead as if having a headache. "He hadn't adopted Oliver then, you two were just dating. Whether he liked it or not, I am Oliver's biological father. I had a right to see my son that morning I visited. You told me to visit more often, so I listened to you and came to visit. It wasn't my fault. Even though I can't visit now, I still deserve a little respect from that guy." He had a very good statement with a very good point.
"And what did I do? I didn't help you release Azrael or anything. I didn't love you when you came back after those hiatuses. I didn't wish you came by more often to see Oliver,"
Saikoro sighed and then shook his head, trying not to let tears begin to build up when a memory hit him. "You forbade me from seeing Oliver! And to watch poor Oliver beg for me not to leave....it was the worst thing I've ever had to experience. It was worse than a loved one dying." He sighed.
"No. No, I didn't. Ever. You were good with Ollie. You really were."
"But not good enough? I wasn't fatherly enough? I had flaws and Cian has absolutely no flaws at all. And yet, I manage to juggle a job, a marriage, and six kids. I think you were wrong about me.....I think you thought...thought I would turn out like Azrael." He sighed and then the tears dropped, and they dropped fast.
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Post by Emma Lawrence on Mar 26, 2010 15:03:44 GMT -5
That was a question she didn't know how to answer and feared she'd never know until the time came. Biting the inside of her lip, she was searching for a way to respond to him, but he kept rolling, as if a wave: flying up, crashing, reeling back, resetting, doing it all over again. And always spraying the waters with threatening, definite droplets just big enough to get them thoroughly wet, no matter how far of a distance at which they stood. And Emma felt like she was sinking fast into the sand.
One arm was folded across her middle, other arm supported and fingers on her temple in a troubled pose. Her voice, feeble and almost mouse-like, broke through the barrier of her raw and struggling throat. "I would never make something up." Her eyes were averting, staring at the ground as if the grass would tell her what to say next. "I don't know where you formed the idea that I'm such a horrible person just because I decided to leave you." Rather, she thought she might be a little independent and self-constructive, wanting to take care of herself like that. She sighed--nothing anyone ever did for themselves would ever go unresented.
Her stomach rumbled and she sighed in an effort to try to relieve it. How was she to know those were his intentions? Her precognition didn't work on a whim. Her eyes slipped closed in intense thought. "I did let you speak. They weren't kind or quiet words, but we did speak to each other. I've never held you responsible for ruining anything. You created that illusion on your own. Please don't ever think you know what I'm thinking without asking me. Ever." It was a challenge to keep her voice so serene, and while it shook, she managed to control it to the best of her ability.
"He knows Oliver isn't biologically is. But when he married me, he knew he was taking responsibility of Oliver's well-being. And he's done exactly that." The more she sighed, the more apparent it became to her that the stress level was rising by leaps and bounds. "You'll have to take up the subject of respect with him. I'm not going to speak for him because I don't know what goes on in his head."
Wincing, she shook her head. "Everyone has flaws, Saikoro. Cian, me, you. You've done a fantastic job with your family now, which leads me even further to believe that we weren't meant to be." Her mind swerved back to what God had told her--in any scenario, she and Cian were supposed to be together--and it made her smile to herself. But then she saw him crying and went to his side.
"I knew you'd never be like Azrael. You're so much stronger than he is, and, listen," she caught him, wiping a few of his tears away with a tissue from her bag, "listen to me. You're everything he isn't. He's pure evil, Sai. You'd never do that to anybody without a liable reason. You're stronger than I am. I know that for a fact. I could never have done some of the things you have."
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Post by Saikoro Kohana on Mar 27, 2010 15:40:04 GMT -5
"I don't know where you formed the idea that I'm such a horrible person just because I decided to leave you." "I did let you speak. They weren't kind or quiet words, but we did speak to each other. I've never held you responsible for ruining anything. You created that illusion on your own. Please don't ever think you know what I'm thinking without asking me. Ever."
Letting out a shuddering breath, Saikoro shook his head and frowned. "That's not what I meant. I never thought you were a horrible person. I just thought....your timing was horrible. I was trying really hard to make that week work. I was worried you were leaning towards that and I didn't want to lose all the things I had worked towards. It felt as if you didn't care that I was trying." He sighed and then took in another breath to keep the tears from coming. He had really busted his butt off to make that weekend fabulous for her and in the end, he never even got the chance. "And no, Emma, that day...you didn't let me speak. I didn't get a choice in the terms or anything. You chose the terms, Emma....and they felt like a sort of punishment. If you didn't blame me for ruining everything, then maybe it would have been nice to have picked a better time....maybe you could have given me one more time to redeem myself."
"Everyone has flaws, Saikoro. Cian, me, you. You've done a fantastic job with your family now, which leads me even further to believe that we weren't meant to be."
What was that supposed to mean? That made no sense at all. How could that lead her further to believe they weren't meant to be? Saikoro didn't understand. It made it sound as if he was only suited for Amarie's level of family. It was as if Emma thought she was higher up than they were and Sai had too many flaws to reach that level. "Because Amarie believes in me and she's willing to trust me, regardless of my history. I think you were afraid of trying that. I think you only had time to see my flaws."
"listen to me. You're everything he isn't. He's pure evil, Sai. You'd never do that to anybody without a liable reason. You're stronger than I am. I know that for a fact. I could never have done some of the things you have."
"When you broke it off, you claimed you were doing what was best for Oliver and you. Those words make me seem like I was a danger to him, yet you knew I would never hurt him. It made me feel guilty, like it didn't matter what I came in contact with, I'd end up hurting someone." Saikoro bit his lip and then turned his face to the sky. "I'm sure you didn't mean to crush me with those words, but they did. They remained the inspiration for those suicide attempts. I just want you know I'd never hurt Oliver. I'd never purposely hurt someone I loved. Whether I'm stronger or not, did you really think I was strong enough to not be hurt by that phrase? Azrael's gone and you know I'm a good parent, yet it feels like...you're still cautious around me. Maybe....we should both try to forget and I shouldn't meet Oliver, Emma. Even though I want to, maybe I shouldn't."
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Post by Emma Lawrence on Mar 29, 2010 22:53:07 GMT -5
"I didn't feel like you were trying," she broke out, letting it all flush itself out now that they were in the open, with fresh air, and fresh feelings, and in the end it wouldn't matter anyway and she wouldn't stay mad at him. "Three years can't be turned around from one day. I wasn't shown that you cared for three years, and I was at my breaking point. I didn't want to give you another chance. I wanted to find stability. And I found that by being with just myself and Oliver for a while. That's it. It had nothing to do with any inabilities you might have had, or any restraints, or any personality clashes. It was just bad timing." Retreaving a calmer voice, she blew out air. "Yeah, I chose the terms. It wasn't up for negotiation. Sorry."
Swallowing, she added, "But look at you now, you've completely moved on, too. You've got your family of, what? Eight? I just don't understand how you can give that to the person who used to be my best friend, but not to me when we had one bastard child who really needed you when I was seventeen. A child, Saikoro. I was scared." And he hadn't been in the right state of mind for so long that she couldn't take the chance.
"Because Amarie believes in me and she's willing to trust me, regardless of my history. I think you were afraid of trying that. I think you only had time to see my flaws."
He was trying her patience. She'd been tested before through many trials, but this was one of the worst. Fighting through her frustration, she explained as solemnly and as objectively as she could. "I stayed with you for three years. I helped you release Azrael. I kissed you and loved you when you came back after leaving us for weeks at a time. After a while, the bad rules out the good and I had, had to think of my baby. It wasn't about what I wanted. It was what he needed."
Her throat all but closed and her stomach seized up. Nothing was running through her mind but the sound of her own voice as she rattled a few more lines off. "Intentions and deeds are totally different. Whatever you harvested from what I meant to say wasn't my fault. I'm sorry you felt that way, but I never meant to make you feel like you were worthless, or dangerous, or deranged. I am cautious about you being around Oliver at this particular point in time because he's still so young. His memory is still developing and until I know that he is on a constant stream, I want him with one family, one life, and one father."
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Post by Saikoro Kohana on Mar 29, 2010 23:35:58 GMT -5
Saikoro tensed up a bit and then said in a hushed tone, "I cared for you every bit of those three years. You know well were I was....fighting with the others, to protect you and Oliver. I tried my hardest to keep Azrael away from you two. Do you even know what he would've done to you if I had been with you the whole time? He would've ripped your skin off bit by bit or some other sick way to kill someone painfully slowly. He would've done the same to Ollie." Saikoro stated with a serious tone in his voice. "You can at least be somewhat thankful that I managed to keep him at bay."
"But look at you now, you've completely moved on, too. You've got your family of, what? Eight? I just don't understand how you can give that to the person who used to be my best friend, but not to me when we had one bastard child who really needed you when I was seventeen. A child, Saikoro. I was scared."
Almost instantly, he narrowed his brows and said in a low dark growl, "Oliver is not one bastard child! He is a very special little boy. Moved on completely? Ask Amarie if "Sai" has moved on completely....she'll say no. Sure I seem happy, but how would you feel if you knew you had a son living a few blocks away but he didn't know you? Amarie was willing to help me cause she, despite all the things you told her, saw something...special in me."
"Intentions and deeds are totally different. Whatever you harvested from what I meant to say wasn't my fault. I'm sorry you felt that way, but I never meant to make you feel like you were worthless, or dangerous, or deranged. I am cautious about you being around Oliver at this particular point in time because he's still so young. His memory is still developing and until I know that he is on a constant stream, I want him with one family, one life, and one father."
"Then maybe it should stay that way. Maybe we should just keep up with this little fantasy and I'll go back to flushing my memory all over again and then we won't have these gut-wrenching conversations anymore. We can just be friends that were never together. I don't want him to be crushed when he finds out his dad is known as a once suicidal lunatic that is now blind." He said with a sigh as he picked up the two fussing infants. He rocked Sonny in one arm, Soren in the other.
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Post by Emma Lawrence on Mar 30, 2010 0:03:45 GMT -5
"These conversations are exactly what we need," she discouraged his idea of ending them altogether. "To communicate, to work things out, to lay everything out on the table so we can sort through them. I know it's not the most pleasant idea, but it needs to be done if we're ever going to be on solid ground with each other." Which she figured they'd need if Ollie was going to meet him someday. It wouldn't work if she and Sai were still having underlying problems while Ollie was trying to discover his identity.
Dragging some hair out of her eyes, she went to touch his shoulder again. "By bastard I meant without a father. Which he was--legally, anyway. But I'm not getting into the politics of this." Shaking her head, she struggled with biting her tongue. "But you just said you don't remember anything about Ollie. Why does it still bother you that you're feeling deprived of something you don't remember?" No, she would never say she was depriving him of it. Because that wasn't how she saw it.
"Amarie was willing to help me cause she, despite all the things you told her, saw something...special in me."
She was going to throttle him. That was just it. That was how this was going to end.
"And I didn't see something special in you when I conceived your child, for God sakes? I didn't see something special in you for three years? Sai, there's still something special about you to me. It's just not romantic anymore. You still mean a lot to me because you are the biological father of my son. The only difference is that I didn't choose you as my lifelong mate. It's completely animalistic." ((Not sure if that's a word...))
"If Ollie isn't one thing," she remarked quietly, "it's shallow. He won't care how you act. You're his father and he's going to care. He's going to want to meet you, and if you forget everything about him... Well, if you care about him as much as you say you do, think about how that would make him feel. Knowing that his father purposely rid himself of every memory of him just because he was suffering. Parenting is about self-sacrifice. If you love your son, you'll wait for him."
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Post by Saikoro Kohana on Mar 31, 2010 12:09:00 GMT -5
"But you just said you don't remember anything about Ollie. Why does it still bother you that you're feeling deprived of something you don't remember?"
It almost seemed as if he was glaring directly at her then as he snorted, "Things start coming back, you know. Don't treat me as if I'm completely incompetent."
He placed the babies back into the stroller and let out an amused laugh. "Did I say romatically special? I proposed to you twice, Emma. I shared things with you that I haven't even told Amarie about. Yet still, I only matter cause I gave you Oliver. That's it. You wondered why I could go along with Amarie so quickly....it was because she did the things you didn't do. She saw me as a person instead of a bodygaurd. She believed I cared for her, even if I got frustrated or angry at times. But most of all, she was proud to be with me." Saikoro turned to stare at her. "Emma, when we were together in public...you always seemed nervous...embarassed that I was there with you. That why I didn't want to go anywhere; because I figured you'd just regret taking me there in the first place....like you did all the time. The only time you acted normal was when we were alone. Sure, it's all over and done with but honestly, how would you feel if Cian acted like you embarassed him in public?"
Knowing that his father purposely rid himself of every memory of him just because he was suffering. Parenting is about self-sacrifice. If you love your son, you'll wait for him."
"What have you sacrificed Emma? You lost nothing from this "situation". You still had Ollie and all your friends, and a nice little place to live. I had nothing. Even now, I sacrifice all the things I want to do to take care of my own family. I go to a job that I hate. But you, you go and sing, enjoy life, everyone loves you and everyone is happy in your world. You haven't sacrificed anything! I sacrificed my own eyesight and a limb for heaven's sake! You weren't even willing to sacrifice one day so I could spend time with him. You just stormed in, froze me, transported me to another time period and brought me back to the world I hated, after my house had been shaken to nothingness." He snapped rather annoyed, "How long am I to wait? Probably till he's too old to really need to. How are you sure if he will even want to meet me? No one was dying to meet me ten years ago and they won't be dying to meet me in the future!!"
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Post by Emma Lawrence on Mar 31, 2010 15:51:58 GMT -5
"No!" she protested, eyes rimmed with staining red marks, on the verge of tears. "You said...you said before you forgot... Why am I wrong just for saying what you said before? What... Sai, I don't understand." Why was everything being thrown in her face? All of his pent-up anger was launched and then replenished to be shot again, like everlasting ammunition.
Amarie was just perfect, wasn't she. The ideal housewife, homemaker, mother, lover. Her gaze evaded Saikoro's altogether, knowing those blind eyes could spit venom. Her body tensed more with each passing minute. Anger was rising steadily. She couldn't take it. Insult after insult; lie after lie; fight after fight...
What had she sacrificed? Every minute of every day, devoting them to her kids. To her family. To her job, to her husband, to him. While they were together, there was nothing she wanted to do more than be with him. She raised Oliver for three years by herself, and now her family had expanded and there was the war, and hell, and work, and everything and she was not going to take this shit from him!
"No one was dying to meet me ten years ago and they won't be dying to meet me in the future!!"
"Can you not yell in my fucking face please?!"
Boom. Explosion.
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Post by Saikoro Kohana on Apr 1, 2010 12:29:28 GMT -5
"Can you not yell in my fucking face please?!"
For a long moment after that, he was quiet. The only sound heard was the sound of the tree leaves russling lightly and a few soft sounds of birds. Finally, his head lowered and he spoke with a bit of defeat. "Let's face it. We will never find a solid ground with each other but I'll try my reason anyways. I'll be blunt. Whether I was gone too much or not, Emma, your decision hurt me more than I could ever possibly hurt you. People get over break-ups. I've gotten over you. But I will never get over what you took from me; my own son. That is my problem with you, Emma..whether you care or not. I'm sure you don't understand how critically that hurts, but I have to bear the pain every single day. I can't see him, he doesn't know me and I don't know him."
Letting out a shuddered breath, he paused and then put his hand upon his neck. It was difficult to speak. In fact, he often mourned about this every time he woke up during the week. "As much as I wanted to meet Oliver before, I don't want to so much anymore. In fact, the possible thought comes close to terrifying me. I'll have to listen to him tell me all about him....and with it, I'll learn all the things I missed in Ollie's life. All those memories and times I could've been there, but was forbidden to be there. All those moments that I wanted to be there. I just....I just can't bear through that, Emma! I just can't!" He now had tears trickling down his face. Sai was scared of this more than anything. Death seemed like no problem compared to this phobia of hearing Oliver's stories.
((I'm sitting in a classroom typing this up....and tearing up with a lump in my throat. Gosh that was hard to type!))
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Post by Emma Lawrence on Apr 1, 2010 13:39:56 GMT -5
But he didn't remember him. He said it himself. He said it didn't matter because he didn't remember. Jostling ideas, she didn't know what to settle on. Crossbows of judgements and acidic words were fired rapidly at her and she didn't have time to find shelter or the agility to block them. Tugging at her scarf that was tightening around her clenching throat, she found herself at a loss.
He started crying and she didn't have the strength to keep herself from doing the same. "I'm sorry," she choked, knowing that she was letting down the barrier she'd kept up this whole time. She was giving into him, into what he wanted. Was it right, was it wrong? Maybe it didn't matter and the important thing was just making him feel better; taking the burden off of him. And trying to relieve herself of some of the accusations.
"I'm so, so sorry."
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Post by Saikoro Kohana on Apr 2, 2010 0:25:42 GMT -5
This time, it felt true. She actually was sorry. He could actually feel it. Almost immediately, he wrapped his arms around her and held her semi-tightly, almost like he used to do when they were together. He stroked her hair carefully as he thanked her over and over and over again. It had taken this long for her to understand how he felt.....this long for her to feel guilt. But now she did, and he felt so much better.
"I forgive you." Sai replied softly, still embracing her. For a moment, he actually didn't want to let go. It had taken them so long to get to this point and he wanted to enjoy it. Maybe even, he could see Oliver sooner and maybe his sight would be back by then.
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Post by Emma Lawrence on Apr 2, 2010 0:33:36 GMT -5
Guilt. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
What had she done wrong?
Let a man down too hard? Kept him from his child when he was dangerous? Marry her love? Have a baby with her husband? Not apologize enough?
What had been missing before that was there now, that led him to believe her?
It was a selfish thing, to wish guilt upon someone, especially for personal gain. At first Emma felt scared in his arms--no, terrified. Immobile. Shunned. Inhibited. Receiving compassion from a parent after spending much too long in time-out.
Her stomach hurled at the thought of being a bad parent to Oliver this whole time. If it took this long for him to accept her remorse, had she been cheating herself and Oliver out of a healthy relationship? What about Cian? And Maura? Even Dean, Amarie, Colette?
Even as he thanked her she thought she was going to be sick. She didn't want his thanks, his sinful gratitude. She just wanted the fighting to stop, so she said what she had to. There wasn't any lack of sincerity in her words; oh no, Emma didn't lie. But now that the truth was exposed...now that there was more than one layer...
Time passed and he didn't let go. The longer she spent there the more comfortable she got, probably from emotional drainage and this was a compensation. Emma slowly, carefully let her eyes slip closed, and she fell into his form, arms awkwardly but acceptingly around him as well.
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Post by Saikoro Kohana on Apr 2, 2010 0:46:47 GMT -5
After a long moment, he finally let go and took a small step back. He could feel her disgust, her sickness and though he had believed her apology; he still could sense her fear. He sighed softly, "I-I'm sorry if I..frightened you. But I kinda missed these...moments." The hugs he meant. He missed the hugs they had shared so many times together. He decided to just shut up right there. He was just making her nervous. He could tell.
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